Femme Fatales 02x06 Bad Science Original Air Date on June 29, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Shuttle docking in berth 21.
[Water dripping, echoing]
[Electric sizzling]
[Distant alarm blares]
Intruder alert. Quadrant 32.
Intruder alert, quadrant 32.
[Alarm continues]
Stay where you are.
Freeze!
- Get your hands up! - Don't move!
Get your hands where we can see them.
Put your hands up in the air!
Suicide bomber?
Body scans read negative.
- Where am I? - You're in a restricted area.
Quadrant 32. Matilda?
- How do you know my name? - She must be a Red Falcon spy.
Let's terminate her. No!
Go get Colonel West.
She's gonna want to see this.
Colonel West.
Who the hell are you?
And why do you look exactly like me?
♪ I've got my eye on you ♪
♪ and a motive too ♪
♪ your fooling around's getting blood on my shoes ♪
♪ ooh wha-ah-ah-oh ♪
♪ ooh wha-ah-oh ♪
♪ I've set my sights on you ♪
♪ set my sights on you ♪
♪ I've set my sights on you ♪
♪ I've got an alibi too ♪
♪ so don't look around, I've got nothing to lose ♪
[Gunshot]
♪ Ooh wha-ah-ah-oh-oh ♪
♪ ooh wha-ah-ah-oh-oh ♪
♪ ooh wha-ah-ah ♪
♪ ooh wha-ah-ah-oh-oh ♪
[Thunder rumbles]
We look in mirrors every day.
The reflection back shows us what other people see.
But it takes more than a mirror to see inside our souls.
Matilda West has always been a force of nature,
the type of woman who'll never back down from a challenge
or take no for an answer.
A woman who'll do almost anything to survive.
But even someone as beautiful and brilliant
and tough as Matilda will eventually meet her match
in this world... or the other.
Mr. Hawks.
Until now,
teleportation has been considered impossible,
except in science fiction.
But by applying superstring theory,
we've created a localized space-time gateway--
Knock off the technobabble.
I don't give a shit how or why it works.
I'm here to see if it works.
Surely, after five years and providing $40 million,
I deserve an answer... And a return on my investment.
Of course, Mr. Hawks.
Then may I borrow your wallet?
My wallet?
Haven't you taken enough cash from me already?
It's an object that we could not have
possibly duplicated, sir.
[Click click]
[Power up hum]
Abracadabra.
[Whispers] Oh, Jesus.
You really did it.
Teleportation through quantum entanglement.
No. Instantaneous shipping.
Exclusive contracts with Amazon and Wal-Mart.
I am going postal on U.P.S. and FedEx.
When it absolutely, positively has to get there
in five seconds!
Pizza in 30 minutes or less?
Forget about it. Try 3 seconds.
With the bonus you kids earn today,
you'll be on your own private island,
drunk on margaritas for the rest of your lives.
All right, we'll close the lab up in a month
and send everything back to corporate in San Francisco.
We can't do that yet.
We're on the verge of a major breakthrough.
I'd say you just made one, Matilda.
This is just the beginning.
So far we've only sent inorganic matter.
But what if we can teleport actual human beings?
Haven't all the animals you attempted to teleport died?
That is true, sir.
Their molecules lost sequencing code when they reassembled.
But we can fix that, Mr. Hawks.
We just need a little more time.
Anything concerning humans
would require Congressional approval.
I think you need to take the long view, sir.
We have a product that is ready to bring to market.
My stock price is tanking, and my Board of Directors
is on my ass like a fifth street rash.
I am not gonna let this get bogged down
in a safety debate that could drag on for years!
This is about shifting the fucking paradigm.
Have a little vision! Whoa, Matilda...
would you just calm down?
Oh, I think somebody's forgetting
who's signing the checks around here.
Have another look at that contract you signed.
I own your assets,
and I own every bit of your research.
[Sighs] Look, I...
I don't want to be a hard ass.
This is a great day. You've done brilliant work.
Matilda...
aren't you and Nick getting married?
That's right, sir.
Well, then, what are you waiting for?
Go get married.
And then take the most romantic honeymoon ever.
My treat.
We can do it. We're on the verge.
Maybe Matilda's right.
Of course. Take her side.
But you're both forgetting one thing.
Hawks is the big kahuna.
He's shutting us all down and writing us a big fat check--
end of line. - Screw Hawks!
In the next two weeks,
we can make the move from animal testing
to human subjects.
Matilda...ha... has anyone ever told you
you have a God complex?
Fine.
We take a vote then.
I'm in favor of staying. No shit!
- Knock it off, Aaron. - Well, I'm not.
When you finish your PhD, Abby, you get a vote.
Until then, you can shut your fucking mouth.
[Huffs]
Your people skills could use a little work.
[Sniffling]
Look, Abby,
hey, hey, don't let Matilda get to you.
You know she always runs down everyone who gets in her way.
I have been here busting my hump on this project
just like you guys.
But she never misses an opportunity
to just treat me like shit.
I know. I'm sorry.
What can I do to make you feel better?
Hmm? [Laughs]
Well, that's a start.
Ah...Aaron.
Yes! Oh, Aaron.
Yes...Oh!
[Both panting]
What were you thinking about when you came?
Nothing.
Then why'd you call out Matilda's name?
I did?
I did not.
You're still in love with that bitch.
How could you, after everything that she's done to you?
I'm not, I swear. And she's not a bitch.
She's gonna be my sister-in-law soon.
I thought that you would finally get over her
when we hooked up, but... I guess I'm wrong.
He knew how much I loved her, and he still fucked her.
That's probably why he fucked her.
I can't--
Abby, I'm sor--
God, I'm such an idiot.
[Overlapping voices]
Where the hell is Abby?
We need to finish before Hawks shuts us down.
Then why isn't it working right now?
- The computer-- - Because--
What kind of spacing do you have?
[Responds softly]
That's not the right tool. Do you want me to do it?
I can do better than argue with you guys any more about it.
To transport humans at some point--
It's not the machine. It's the program.
[Arguing fades away]
- That way-- - I know, I know!
Order! Order! We must have order!
[Electric humming]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
- No! - No, no!
Why do you look like me?
Well, my theory is that
everyone has twins in alternate worlds...
and I'm yours.
Yeah?
I have a theory too.
You're a fucking spy.
We heard the alliance was experimenting with cloning
and genetic manipulation.
Well, now I can see it's true.
Who sent you?
Answer me!
Matilda! What the hell were you thinking?
- She wasn't! - Oh...
History favors the bold.
How long was I gone? About two seconds.
- Two seconds? - Yeah.
For me, it was like hours.
Kaluza and Klein were right.
Not only are there extra dimensions,
but they contain parallel worlds similar to ours.
[Laughs] How's that possible?
Oh, shit!
Who's that?
Still think I'm nuts, boys?
- Bitch! - Whoa, whoa!
[Choking] Ah...
Let her go! [Zzt]
Let her go!
Are you okay?
- [Coughing] - What the--
- Captain Matilda West
of the First Continental Alliance army.
Serial number TK-421.
Where am I?
You're in my world now, so I ask the questions.
I'm not telling you shit.
Let me ask you something you can answer.
Why is the sky red where you come from?
Really?
You're gonna play this game?
Like you don't know.
All you need to know is we'll never stop fighting you
until you and everyone you love are all dead.
Charming.
You make sure she's tied up tight.
She's a freaking banshee.
Aaron?
How does she know my name?
You're not him.
How many more doubles have you created?
Listen to her.
We need to send her back-- wherever the hell she came from.
We're not sending her back.
We need her to prove to Hawks what we have works.
And what do we have, Matilda?
I don't know yet...
But whatever it is, it's... something incredible.
- Taking me for execution? - Relax, Sarah Connor.
I want you to see this.
What happened to the sky? It's been purified!
This is not your world, Matilda.
We were telling you the truth.
[Gasping]
Do you believe me now?
It's so beautiful.
If I let you go...
you won't... kill me, right?
[Triumphal music]
♪ ♪
So what was the Aaron you knew in your world like?
He was a great man.
And a brave soldier.
I should know. He...
He was my husband.
Are you serious?
He was murdered in an ambush three years ago.
We were in love from the first time we met.
Are you and... this Matilda like that?
No. Not exactly.
She's my brother's fiancee now.
Matilda and I dated in college
until she met Nick.
So you see, things are very different in this universe.
Not everything.
I'm sorry.
You just can't imagine what it's like
to be with you again after all these years.
I know the feeling.
[Folksy pop tune]
♪ ♪
[Moaning] Aaron.
I like you.
This...is Tahiti.
This is Bora Bora.
We have...
the Grand Canyon.
And...Miami Beach.
You can really get on an airship
and transport to all these places?
Absolutely.
Isn't there anyplace nice to go where you come from?
Not since the radiation war started.
The nuclear bombardments
changed the climate of the planet forever.
How long ago did the wars start?
52 years.
God, so you've been fighting your whole life!
Since I was ten.
Can I tell you something, Abby?
In my world, you're my best friend
and most trusted aide.
Really?
Do you and your Matilda have a relationship like that?
Actually, I can't stand her.
She treats me like shit. Then she's a fool.
The Abby I know is talented, brilliant,
and beautiful.
A lot like you.
Mm.
Oh...God, what's wrong with me?
I don't--[coughs] I don't feel right.
Oh, shit, you're gonna puke. Wait, wait, not on my computer.
[Coughing, retching]
Hey, hey, are you okay?
Ah...
Yeah, it's just stress. I'll be fine.
You're not... pregnant, are you?
God, I hope not.
Where's my twin?
Abby's giving her a world tour.
Good.
Because I'm gonna take her everywhere
to prove what we've accomplished.
She'll be my King Kong.
Great. You know how that story ended.
Oh...
Matilda!
Your other half is sick too.
Both your immune systems are in rapid freefall.
Mm. What's happening to us?
Does anyone recall Mason's paradox?
Yeah, of course. Do I look like a moron?
Mason was the first physicist to try to prove
that parallel universes exist.
Yes. And he failed. But Mason had a theory...
that even if we could go to alternate planes of existence,
we couldn't get anything useful out of it
because the parallel worlds form a binary system.
Binary--as in paired particles?
Every atom, every cell, every being in our universe
has a duplicate in the other.
But Mason also theorized that it can't coexist for very long
because it violates the conservation of energy.
Which means our molecules will come apart at the seams
if we occupy the same universe for too long.
Yeah.
We have to send the other Matilda back...
or both of you will die.
All right, come on, baby.
You need to drink a little.
There ya go.
Come on. Just a little bit more.
Ah-- [Sighs]
How is she?
Yeah, she's not doing too well.
Don't you wish we could keep her
and send the real Matilda back?
Yeah. Yeah, I wish.
All right, come on, baby.
Are you ready?
Nick, are you ready to do this?
Okay. I'm ready.
Go get Matilda II.
What am I, your fucking lackey?
Just do it! We're running out of time.
All right?
[Heartbeat thumping]
Sounds good.
So now that she's gone, how do you feel?
Better. A lot better.
Good.
You know, it's amazing, but...
I'm really gonna miss this place when we're gone.
I'll be happy anywhere...
as long as we're together.
[Moaning]
Spank me.
[Smack] Ah!
I know what you did, Abby.
What are you talking about?
I saw you switch Matildas.
That was the best sex we've ever had.
I mean, you were so...
giving. I didn't switch them.
Don't lie. I saw you in the room with her.
Okay, look... you're right.
I started to switch them,
but then I just...
I couldn't do it.
It was amazing.
I'm tired of being in charge all the time.
It's way more satisfying to let you be on top.
Oh, my God.
Aaron...what's wrong?
Well, I-I thought you switched them.
So I switched them back.
What's wrong, Nick?
You're not my Matilda, are you?
Where's the prisoner?
Colonel West.
What happened?
Aah! [Echoing]
If everyone here is as naive as the three of you,
in a few years, I'm gonna be running this dimension.
[Giggles]
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
♪ Poor little Pluto is so damn small ♪
♪ some people don't think it's a planet at all ♪
♪ Clyde thinks so, and that's good enough for me ♪
♪ it beats Planet X, which you can't even see ♪
♪ the asteroid belt, man, give it a rest ♪
♪ you know, you can't beat earth 'cause earth's the best ♪
♪ earth is the best, yeah, earth is the best, yeah ♪
♪ earth, yeah, is the best ♪
♪ earth's got Chinese food and microphones ♪
♪ microphones ♪
♪ earth's got porno stars and ice cream cones ♪
♪ earth's got people who are all alone ♪
♪ earth's got Andrea and slide trombones ♪
♪ earth is the best, yeah, earth is the best, yeah ♪
♪ earth, yeah, is the best ♪
♪ ♪
♪ hey ♪
Kill Ubu, kill.
Good fish.